"During my undergrad years, I was a typical college student. It was almost if I had relapsed with my bad behaviors I had when I was younger. Part of it was being a young adult and wanting to experience, but the other part was..I didn't know how to cope. I felt like no one understood me. I felt alone, and I was embarrassed to tell anyone how I was truly feeling. So I turned to alcohol, partying and being promiscuous. "
My freshman year, I went off the deep end. Part of it was the freedom, and the other part... the bigger part was trying to figure out who I was. I gave up on art, I gave up on my friends back home... and the most hurtful part was giving up on my family. The entire year, I went to class.. hungover... I did my homework, but barely. And I just barely skimmed through classes. Towards the end of the year, my brain cells where beat, and I felt alone. More alone than I ever felt before. I knew that I had to make a change in my life, or I was never going to make it out of this successful. So I decided to quit drinking, smoking... and settle down. Then, I met a guy. A guy who paid attention to me, who acted like he cared.. and made me fall in love instantly. I thought this was great, he didn't drink. I recently quit drinking. Little did I know this was going to turn into a disaster. Something that yet again, I would learn from. I dropped everything I was doing, ignored my friends. Left my family hanging all the time, just for my unhealthy relationship. However, I had no idea it was unhealthy. I was blinded by "love." I still didn't do my art, and my so called "therapy" was unfortunately, my boyfriend at the time.
Things went from bad to worse over the years, and finally on a mid summer day, it all ended. I had never felt a broken heart before, and mine was more than broken. I felt empty, beaten, and sick. I didn't know up from down, and frankly, I didn't care. However, my family never left my side. My dad was there for me, and without him making me get out of bed everyday... I have no idea where I'd be today, because it sure wouldn't be here.
I started my senior year of college, and slowly went back to my old drinking, smoking and promiscuous habits. I was free again, and went right back to where I was my freshman year of college. I wasn't happy for a long time, but I acted like it. I had to turn my life around, but I didn't know how. In order for me to graduate, I had to somehow turn all my grades around. It was my last semester, and most of my classes were Art Therapy courses. I dug deep into my soul, and found my talent, my secrets, and my therapy... once again. And then I met Chris. Who, for the first time in years... made me feel good about myself... encouraged me to shoot for my dreams. Who was the first genuine guy who legitimately cared about me. Slowly, I stopped going out... I spent more time at home... at home sitting locked in my bedroom, texting Chris... and painting. I was happy. I felt relieved. I felt revived. I applied to graduate school and got in. I had a plan. But I didn't know where Chris fit into that plan.... I knew that he made me feel damn good about myself. But I didn't know if I could give up all my unhealthy habits.
The summer before grad school... was so up and down. I loved Chris. I always did from day one. But I couldn't stop screwing up. I was afraid. Afraid of my feelings, afraid of hurting him repeatedly. Afraid to commit once again because of the pain I suffered years ago. The first week of school was an absolute blur. My advisor put me into place and scolded me. I instantly had a hatred for her, but it was what I needed. I went back and forth and back and forth from dropping out or sticking with it. It wasn't until I started my internship at Lutheran Social Services for me to kick myself in the ass and get going. I started to feel like I was making a difference... and these kids that I was working with, reminded me of myself when I was young. I knew right then that I had to make a difference for these kids, I had to give them what I didn't have when I was struggling at their age.
Introducing these adolescents to Art Therapy had an impact on their lives as well as my own, in a more personal way. Art Therapy helped these adolescents see the world through different eyes and gave them hope and courage through their treatment process. I learned how to work with and interact with a diversity of children and adolescents who were struggling with everyday life functions and more of being a teenager. It is known that doctors usually treat the physical problems and aspects of these teens, but they are often struggled with trying to find a “therapeutic treatment” for this age category. That's where I came in. Teenagers, more often than not, crave more original and modernized ways to express themselves than through ‘talk therapy.' This I know, because I was struggling when I was their age too. Art as an expressive language helped guide these kids into self discovery and communicate difficult feelings and thoughts through different art mediums, and I was on the ultimate high... I couldn't believe the impact that art had on these kids.
During my clinical intern work at Lutheran Social Services-Homme Home, I learned and respected each resident’s abilities to express their emotions in both nonverbal and verbal ways. One of the greatest struggles for these adolescents is their hostility to authoritative figures and downfall of trust in the ‘adult’ population. Exactly what I went through when I was their age. I learned first handedly through my internship work, the struggles to build a therapeutic relationship and still maintaining proper boundaries with these adolescents, who had little to no trust in the adult world. I wanted to be that person that I didn't have when I was their age. And I was. I did it because I knew that they needed it. I needed it.
I never thought that it would be possible to have a group of adolescents to have such a life changing experience affect myself, in such a short amount of time. My life changed forever.
I found it a lot easier to remember details about their lives than I thought I would, because it helped me get through some of my struggles that I suffered with when I was their age. Before I started, I had so many concerns about how these teens were going to react to me, how I was going to survive everything, all my processing notes, keeping the kids straight from who’s who. Constantly asking: Do I have enough material for everyone? Is the material beneficial for everyone? What I’ve really discovered is that these teens really like art and they really benefit from it. Sometimes I thought they were teaching me more than I was helping them, which is okay when you’re in your intern work. In fact, they made me realize one of the most delightful, yet challenging aspects of my work in seeing these adolescents come in dealing with the same stress and issues that sometimes, I was learning to deal with in my life too. These teens kept me honest with myself and I’m not kidding when I say that I was just a couple steps ahead of them in learning how to deal with some of my own malfunctions. I was told by one of the therapists I worked with: “the best therapists are those who have learned from their own experiences because the wisdom you need as a counselor doesn’t only come from books”. I now live by this motto and becoming a successful therapist to me means that I will always be able to take that next step in my own personal growth, and to be able to confront that next issue that is often looked at as a “problem” and treat it through art and helping whoever I can along the way.
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